I’ve been lost lately.
I was beginning to lose myself. I began to lose my peace of mind, that which aligned me spiritually and mentally. I wasn’t the good kind of lost like in my earlier post I was “this doesn’t seem like me” lost, “i can’t put my finger on it, but something is up” lost, “ebony, what are you doing” lost. I can assure you it’s not the greatest feeling, but it’s a huge relief when I was painfully aware of it because now I had the choice to get back on the path God has laid out for me.
Maybe that’s the thing. God doesn’t lay it out for you, but rather he helps you pave the way you see fit to fulfill his will.
I’m not sure, but no one knows me better than myself, and I’m sure that I have existed in limbo these past couple of months.
As I’ve stuffed my face with homemade meals, slept for over eight hours each night, and drank more juice than I have water, I’ve recognized that a series of things have occurred and went missing in my life that jolted me out of place.
I attempted, ATTEMPTED to do yoga starting last February and I was getting pretty darn good at it. It helped me concentrate, to remain less anxious about graduation, and made me feel awesome. Plus my body was more toned than ever. I was on my way to becoming a stay at home stereotypical Caucasian stay-at-home-mom. I loved yoga, loved eating healthy, began making my own hair and face products, and I was spending so much time reading outside. It was great. Then I came back to school this year and all of those great habits went missing. I stopped working out, stopped eating healthy, going outside as much, reading books for leisure. It was so unlike me and I was unable to drag myself out of the rut I was in.
I lost productive time for me. I know as humans we tend to treat ourselves very harsh and forget to allow ourselves some leniency and grace. Treating myself unlike how I would want others to treat me is one of the biggest mistakes I’ve recently made. I never thought the service I was doing was good enough, I told myself that I did not have it together and it NEEDED to be together. I was going against everything I’ve told myself. I was filling my free time with worry, doubts, jealousy of others accomplishments, and stress, which was chipping away at my happiness and go-lucky persona. I usually allot time in the day to give myself pep-talks, to congratulate myself on life thus far, to affirm and validate Ebony. I stopped doing that and it began to manifest itself in being unsure of myself and becoming lost.
Lastly I was faced with one of the most difficult events to happen in my life. I was made to realize that my experience as an African American is invalid, is invisible, is not worthy of protecting and acknowledging. In October a few students on an anonymous, twitter-like app posted racist vitriol about black students at the college I attend. To be honest, I was not surprised, if anything those comments codified all of the sentiments I had towards Rhodes College. As a black female born and raised in Mississippi racism isn’t an abstract concept that occurred to my ancestors, but it is visible in many interactions I have with people and the socially unjust institutions in place. If anything it snatched the many band aids, which have covered Rhodes’ racist wounds for years and it hurt. I was angered that administration, students, and faculty initially viewed the incident as a joke, a mere ephemeral matter, but to me it was an illustration of a picture many black students in higher education face. I won’t delve deeper into my sentiments into race in America and the world (save for another post), but I know that the events that occurred at Rhodes almost broke me, almost turned my love for people into hatred.
I am still enraged, but it’s become the fuel to reignite my passions for creating mediums for people to interact and learn each other’s stories. In learning something about a stranger, it transforms something in us, reminds us that we aren’t so different after all. By saying “even if you turn a black person inside out, I still hate them” and someone did, I in no way hate them, but I hope that they meet that one black person who transforms their outlook.
It’s taken months for me to look at my white friends, my friends that are not black and see them the same way as before. I am purposefully forcing myself to get back on track, to love how I used to, to appreciate the world as I once did. It’s just hard. It’s difficult to see the same world that justifies the massacring of black bodies as I did before, but I have to for my sake. Therefore I refuse to live in a world that sees no value in God’s creations whether it be nature, humans, life, without contributing my effort to change the world for the better. I refuse to not love with all of me in hopes that it helps fill someone who was empty so they can spread love to someone else. I refuse to let my skin color dictate who I am, what I do, and where I will go in life I’ve seen God bless me too many times to believe he’s done now.
So I’m beginning to start yoga again, create some time to cheer me on, and spend time with creatures, people, and the places which have been my anchor through this journey.
I am thankful for the sucky parts of life, like feeling lost and out of control, because they inspire me, they make me stronger, and they remind me that life is definitely a roller coaster.
So I hope that in being honest with myself and with whoever read this, you will find comfort in knowing everyone has their dark times in life, in which they have to be their own beacon of light. Stay awesome. Stay beautiful and sorry for being away for so long.
Peace and Love,